my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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