nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
