im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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