A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
