Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
