Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
