Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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