apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
