thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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