i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You dont lie about slip and slides
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
