we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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