he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
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