i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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