We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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