**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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