im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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