hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
