I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
