so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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