Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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