He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
