I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
