Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
