i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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