o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
