Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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