Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
return my video game
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
