Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
