I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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