The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just want to make out with him forever
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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