i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
