I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
