I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
