she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
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