I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
