sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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