It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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