i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
