Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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