No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
