It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Randomize
