I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
