There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
