Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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