i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
