Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We left an ass print on the piano.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
