My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
