M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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