I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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