Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
