Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
