Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
